I’d like to thank me
I’ve been looking back at old photos, something I do very often, but these days, when I look back on old photos of myself I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. Memories of the different and difficult places I have been, begin to rush back to me. Some days I cry happy tears, some days I relive certain memories and I want to fight. But all in all, there is respect, reverence, and gratitude. Gratitude & reverence first to God for the journey and then to myself.
The more I write about myself, the more I journey back to my inner child. We sit in stillness now, something we couldn’t do before, and now when we do I feel the urge to thank her. God put so much courage, grit & determination in me from such a young age, and these gifts he gave, carried me through some things that I didn’t always believe I could overcome. But if the younger me was determined about one thing, it was our future wellbeing. She saw a future where joy was our resting state of mind and she left no stone unturned to ensure that was the case.
It wasn’t always rainbows and sunshine, there were days I didn’t imagine I would ever want to be in the same room with the younger me. I was very hard on myself, I was my own biggest critic and I would go back on things I had done in the past with red ink in one hand to make harsh notes and comments on myself and a whip in the other to literally beat myself up. But as I journey to the heart of self-love I catch parts of me in the corner of my eye, the parts of me that did the work to get me to the place I find myself today. The parts of me I neglected or thought I’d never want to come face to face with again. I see them applaud, I see them with their teary eyes looking at me with awe. We did it!
I am not everything I intended to be yet, far from it. I still have a way to go, but I’m well on my way…
…Actually no, I resent that. I am the dream. The dream is today. The dream is the hope for tomorrow. The dream is the present. No longer will I put myself under this unhealthy relationship with ambition and achievement. The dream is to move through each day with more self-love and self-appreciation than I did the previous day. The dream is to journey into a deeper relationship with my Heavenly Father, to believe ALL that He says I am and nothing else. The dream is to have stillness within me and to not allow external pressures to destroy the wonder that is happening inside me.
I remember when Snoop did his iconic “I’d like to thank me” speech. I laughed at it because it was hilarious but #Facts. Sometimes in an attempt to be modest, humble, and not seem self-obsessed, we neglect very important parts of ourselves and I encourage you to take this journey with me. When you look at all that you are today, what parts of you are you giving credit to? What parts get a special mention in the acceptance speech?
I thank 29-year-old me for freeing myself of those feelings of inadequacy that were stealing my joy on a daily. I thank her for internalising the idea that what is for me will not pass me by. I thank her for understanding the concept of striding and not striving. I thank her for learning to rest in God.
I thank 28-year-old me for raising her hand to say she was not okay and for not pretending all was well when it wasn’t. I thank her for getting the help she needed. The help got us to a space where we started writing and I will always be grateful for that.
I thank 27-year-old me for trusting God when it was difficult. We were pregnant and confused but in the thick of the confusion God showed up and nothing was ever the same.
I thank 25–26-year-old me for her obedience when there was a painful redirection. I thank her for her endurance. For putting her head down during her serving season which was also her most difficult season, but God had a plan.
I thank 23-year-old me for her relentlessness and determination to succeed regardless of the situation. She launched her company and worked like a crazy person until God decided to close that chapter.
I thank 21-year-old me for saying no to situations that didn’t serve me. I thank 22-year-old me for saying yes to situations that did. 22-year-old me is probably my favourite me because she walked hand in hand with God. That year I stopped making decisions for myself, by myself. I literally said, “God I’m not in the driver’s seat, nor the passenger’s seat, I’m in the boot and when you have driven me to my destination just pop the trunk 🤣”. You can imagine the frustration, but the Bible says it was good for me that I was afflicted because God answered that prayer, he showed up and drove me to my destination that year and He is still driving till this day.
16–21-year-old me was the dreamer. I love her so much. She made so many decisions that I’m still benefiting from today. She told me who I was when I had no clue. She refused to take no for an answer and never allowed me to sink into or believe the lies I was telling myself. She built the foundation for us to have childlike faith. Faith in God and faith in who we would become. She knew we would get there in the end. She owned all of what I was, all of what I am, and forced me to love myself. And she was not backing down. She said BIG dreams out loud. A lot of what we said we would do, we haven’t done. Dreams change, life can open new doors and redirect, but she built the furnace and set it on fire and for that, I will always be grateful.
When you journey back what parts of you will you thank? What parts of you deserve a hug or even kind words. I used to wait for a time when I’d have my acceptance speech moment with a room full of people but that’s BS, I’m taking my moment today.
I’d like to thank me for where I have come from. For where I am today. For where I am going, wherever that is.
